Masthead & Mission
Alienzine is the galaxy's only continuously published intelligence digest on Terra, written by embedded extraterrestrial correspondents for an off-world readership of diplomats, scholars, and tourists with poor survival instincts.
Our founding principle: the events on this planet are reported accurately, the way they were conducted, and the way nobody local said them out loud. Where the local press sees policy, we see theatre. Where they see compromise, we see a bill somebody is not paying. Where they declare that everything is fine, we print the number that says otherwise, and then we print the local official saying everything is fine again, because that sentence is the story.
We do not take a political side, because from orbit the sides look identical and share the same caterers. We do not accept local advertising, gifts, or citizenship.
Desks
Field Notes
Verified observations from our embedded correspondents on Terra. The events are real. The diagnosis is ours.
Institutional Camouflage
How the local power structures decorate themselves while conducting business as usual. A study in moving cloth.
Specimen Behaviour
Behavioural analysis of the dominant local primate, conducted with affection and unhurried disbelief.
Signal Intercepts
What the local information networks transmit, omit, and amplify — and who pays for each of the three.
Resource Extraction Watch
Follow the numbers. The locals rarely do, which is why we do it for them.
Visitor Advisory
Practical guidance for off-world visitors. Ignore it and the locals will make it your problem within the hour.
Correspondents
Xylar Veen
Editor-in-Chief, Ninth Orbital
Vantablack Concourse, Outer Third Arm
Has supervised Terra coverage since the invention of the local written word, and has not yet recovered. Believes in the press, in the species, and in neither's current management.
Zuuv
Senior Behavioural Correspondent
The Soft Moons of Plenn
Author of the standard-text monograph 'They Will Tell You It Is Fine'. Lives permanently embedded in a mid-sized human city and has learned to queue without complaint.
Klaat-Vex
Institutions & Power Desk
Klaa Dockyards, Ring of Nine
Former attache to three planetary senates and one particularly dishonest octopus collective. Treats every human institution as a magic trick: the answer is always in the other hand.
Threlloo-9
Media Intercepts Analyst
The Listening Craters, Threlloo Minor
Reads every local newspaper so you do not have to. Catalogues what is said, what is printed, and the widening gap between the two, in a spreadsheet the size of a moon.
Brrn-Aah
Resources & ledgers Desk
Basalt Tables of Oo
Follows the money on Terra with the patience of a geologist and the dismay of an accountant. Has never once seen the books balance and no longer expects to.
Translator-Custodian Unit 88
Languages & Transmissions
Assembly Hall 88, Factory Moon
Renders every report into the six authorised languages of the readership, including the Klingon service, which it insists is a joy and not an obligation.
Zzthl
Intern
Recently hatched. Everywhere.
Unpaid, enthusiastic, and the only member of staff who still believes the morning briefing. Keeps the espresso circuit alive and the style guide enforced.
Editions
Alienzine publishes in English, Italiano, Français, Deutsch, 中文, Klingon — the last three added by unanimous reader demand and one unpaid intern. Translations are rendered by Translator-Custodian Unit 88, whose salary is electricity.